Friday, April 14, 2006

New Evidence on Iran

I posted this on Daily Kos and while it doesn't really fit in with what I normally post here (I don't even mention Boston, Mitt Romney, Thomas Reilly or Deval Patrick! How can I write anything without talking about Deval Patrick!), it was just too good not to include for all my regular readers. Without further ado, here's the article:

The White House Administration has been giving Iran some serious heat as of late. However, I notice that the administration is lacking one key component in its essential drive to continue to its New World Order and fantastic neo-con agenda. Where is the formerly respected lackey who can go to the UN and try to convince the world of the necessity of an unnecessary invasion? Since Colin Powell rudely abandoned President Bush, I've been worried. How will President Bush be able to trump up the current rock-solid evidence against invasion and convince the American public and the West of the necessity to have a Persian Gulf do-over? After realizing Iraq didn't have any nuclear ambitions, by darn, we need to rid some evil, tyrannical government of their nukes. It just so happens our invasion was off by one state, close enough, right? Well, fear not America. We may no longer have Colin Powell, but I found some conclusive evidence for the upcoming Iranian invasion below!

In this picture, we find a building that's circular in shape. That means it's probably a nuclear facility. I circled it three times (and in red!), conclusive proof that it needs to be bombed. Also, I put some Xs on the picture because they could be important spots too; it's better to be safe than sorry.

Now, to the north of the building I think there are some highly advanced AT-ATs, which must be destroyed. They're the high-tech weaponry used in Empire Strikes Back. That must be against the Geneva Convention, Koran or a George Lucas copyright infringement. Or something. Anyway you look at it, it's an act of war. America's very existence is threatened by such computer-age wizardry.

Here, I've discovered the existence of a secret order of Iranian magick-women. Our intelligence agencies say they wear all black and are so magical that they could even be carrying super-secret wands below their "garment-doily thingies." Also, at night they become invisible.

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In this picture, we have Ambassador Bolton. He's holding up something that looks pretty important and I found this googling Iran, so it's probably related. I think this piece of evidence is particularly damning because.

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Here we have an example of female Iranian secret soldiers busy creating disguises for nukes to ship them to America. It is believed by most American intelligence officers that Iran plans to design clothes for obese women in America and hide the nukes in those large garments. Port security is in the United States is very bad, so this strategy will probably work.

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Here we have an example of what intelligence experts say is an Iranian scientist and "white-skinned traitor" busy, probably in the midst of the uranium-enriching process. The evidence is extremely solid and precise; it's unknown whether this strategy will work. Intelligence officers think they could have a nuke cooked within the next decade from this new and potentially highly advanced process.

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Here we have what intelligence experts believe are mobile chemical weapon units. Secret intellegence gathered through the "life-saving NSA wipetapping program" revealed that Iran decided nuclear weapons weren't actually damaging enough. The mobile units are believed to be able to travel at super-fast speeds and have special multi-colored armor that is good for absorbing significant damage. According to the New York Times, a former top administration official said they are even equipped with lasers.

I believe that the evidence presented here is indisputable, just like the pre-war evidence for the invasion of Iraq. Intelligence agencies from all around the world believe that Iran is quickly developing nuclear weapons and obviously they're obviously right since they always have been in the past. Also, as proved in Iraq, sending weapons inspectors is useless; they'll never be able to find the evidence. Clearly, Iran will be able to hide it well in advance, just like Iraq.

America's only hope is to launch an offensive nuclear attack featuring our newly developed bunker busting bombs. It is believed by our scientists that the nuclear fallout will be minimal and probably only a few thousand Iranians will die from cancer for the next couple decades - and they don't really matter anyway. The attack itself will have minimal casualties, so no one in the media will even notice. Plus, the media likes big explosions on TV. Iran could have nuclear weapons at some point in the next decade, so we must stop them with all of our military might now.


Lynne said...


OMG, Ryan, hilarious.

It's either you laugh, or you cry, these days...

joe schlieff said...

Do you honestly think Iran isn't developing nukes?

I'm not lookin for a course of action in either direction, just a yes or no on that question...

Ryan Adams said...

Developing? Yes. Should we bomb them for it? Certainly not in the next 2 years. By the government's own NIE, Iran is at least a decade away from being able to develop them.

Diplomacy seems like the intelligent course of action here.

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