Saturday, August 12, 2006

Helping Tom Reilly Campaign

As we all know by now, Tom Reilly is an expert campaigner. Months ago, he surprised Massachusetts by choosing Rep. St. Fleur of Dorchester as his running mate (apparently, when you're the establishment's choice to run for Governor, you get to bypass democracy and pick the Lt. Governor). However, the next day she resigned. Apparently, she didn't like to pay her taxes, student loans and things like that. Big deal! The Democratic establishment was so impressed with Tom Reilly's campaigning skills, they got Chris Gabrieli to run for Governor.

But you can't keep a good dog down! Tom Reilly bounced back from that fiasco by pointing out his great record as Attorney General - a job he's had for years. He's such a fantastic Attorney General, he even drove Cardinal Law out of Boston! It was such a great campaign strategy to highlight Reilly's superb involvement there that Deval Patrick began surging and quickly gained momentum. In fact, Reilly's such a great Attorney General his old boss - Scott Harshbarger - endorsed his opponent, Patrick.

Despite Reilly's brilliant campaign strategies, he's sagging in the polls. But Reilly is a great candidate and knows not to let them get him down. In Reilly's boldest move yet, he decided to get tough and hit Deval Patrick where it hurts worst: his connections to the big, bad corporations! Great idea, right?

Well, of course it was! Just look at how it played out! In fact, Joan Vennochi's newest Boston Globe column proves just how brilliant Reilly's latest strategy really is. In fact, I'd say it was such a great move that Reilly brought home an early end to his race - which must be a good thing, since early birds get the worm!

With all of Reilly's brilliant campaign strategies, I figure his campaign team is probably suffering from lots of brain cramps. I'm sure they're just over-worked. While I don't support Reilly's campaign, I do support the Democratic Party. So I'm going to support Tom Reilly just for a few minutes to help him come up with more brilliant moves to help restore his old poll numbers. After all, I already helped Gabrieli fundraise and fair is fair.

Helping Tom Reilly Campaign

Tactic #1: Reilly Needs Some Campaign Magic

Most politicians get a little campaign magic in the form of some good luck. For example, an Attorney General could try to take advantage of a major state project that turns into a total nightmare that just drops on the voters' heads. However, Tom Reilly is proactive. He doesn't wait for tons of things to drop on people's heads.

If Reilly wants some campaign magic, all he needs to do is say Allakazaam.

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Tom Reilly should immediately fly to London and go straight to Diagon Alley. In between being sorted to Slytherin and getting a crash course from great minds such as Dumbledore and Lockhart, Reilly will surely be able to make a visit to Ollivanders and buy himself a magical wand. With it, he can help turn his campaign around. Best of all, it could be prominently featured in the campaign because it's an actual skill he could take with him to the Corner Office. After all, it's going to take a lot of magic to balance a budget, cut taxes, pay for a commuter rail extension to New Bedford and properly fund schools and towns.

#2: Ban the Yankees

Nothing gets me more upset than the fact that the Red Sox are 2 games back. I want a Governor who can do something about it! Though it wouldn't seem to be a Governor's job to regulate sports, it's not as if it would be the first time. Between US Senate hearings on baseball in DC and states building expensive sport statiums all around the country, many voters probably think it's a Governor's duty to get involved.

Quite simply, the Red Sox need to win more games than the Yankees. While Tom Reilly has no jurisdiction over New York as Attorney General and would have no power over New York if elected Governor, he could at least make a law that says the Yankees lose whenever they come to town. Furthermore, Reilly doesn't have to wait till he's elected to do something about it! If he tried all the Yankees for playing baseball in Fenway - which could be against the law with Reilly's support - the Yankees would be doomed! Plus, Reilly could become the next Red Sox mascot - who needs the Green Monster when you have Reilly?

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Tactic #2: Improve Speech Skills

People don't like boring politicians - after all, how else would Bush have won? In order to convince voters that Reilly has great charisma and communication prowess, he should practice oratory skills from some of history's best speakers - the JFKs, FDRs and even the greatest American ever - Sunny Ronald Sunshine Brightness Reagan.

Although, maybe Reilly doesn't need it. I mean, it's not as if voters would ever think he could be boring at all!

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Tactic #3: Give Out Something Really Cool & Do Something Really Different

Lots of politicians give out buttons - boring. Furthermore, lots of campaigns repeat the same boring messages like "vote for me." Voters want something different. I think I just may have an idea.

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Tom Reilly should wear a Deval button!

Why, you ask? Why not! Deval Patrick is the big name going around. If Killer Coke taught us anything, it's that Tom Reilly has his eyes planted on the frontrunner, Deval Patrick. So, if Deval is so cool, why not wear the coolest button out there? It could even start some of that blogger buzz that propels candidates into come-from-behind victories.

There's even more reasons for Tom to don a Deval button. Not only would people never expect to see Reilly wear a Deval button, but maybe even one or two people would find it sort of honorable and vote for him - kinda like that stupid movie no one watched. Let's face it, Reilly needs every vote he can get.

Furthermore, it would confuse lots of voters into playing this logic game: "He's wearing a Deval button, so he must be voting for Deval. Unless, maybe he wants us to think that so we'll vote for him? Or, maybe, he wants us to think that he wants us to know that and vote for the other guy? Or maybe..." I submit that anyone who thinks along those lines will probably come to the conclusion that Reilly should win - thus making it a very effective campaign strategy.

Tactic #4:
Stay the Course

Since Tom Reilly pulled a page out of the Swiftboat book, why stop now? In fact, Tom Reilly should do more to emulate Karl Rove and just go with the flow. After all, if you fool someone once, shame on me. If you fool them twice, they can't be fooled again. Or something like that. I'm sure Tom Reilly will get it.

Still attacking Deval Patrick on Coca-Cola is sure to win some votes out there - it may be all lies, but that didn't stop Tom Reilly before! Heck, Joe Lieberman just lost his campaign and one of the members on his team was an expert in low information voters - Reilly should scoop that guy up quick! If Reilly goes after the stupid vote, he's sure to win them. After all, stupid people probably think alike.

Tactic #6: A Sure-Fire Way to Win: Greatest Hits Edition!

The election is nearing and it's time to pull out all the stops. Perhaps Staying the Course is such a great idea that Reilly should even back track. To create some new campaign buzz, why not select St. Fluer as his running mate again.

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Didn't they just look so cute together? Bringing St. Fleur back is a sure-fire way to shuffle up the campaign and poll at all sorts of new records.

Though the Democratic State Convention was months ago, surely there's some way to get her back on the ballot - unless Tom can still apparently pick anyone he wants for Lt. Governor 'cuz he's Tom? Even if that's not the case, if Gabs got on - so can Fleur - there must be some hidden, tucked away rule!

A Reilly-Fleur campaign just makes sense. Just look at it all this way - pre-Fleur, Reilly was coast'n. Post-Fleur, Reilly's been struggling. Clearly that indicates that we need more Saintly Goodness. Are ya'll with me? Let's all ask Reilly's campaign to reach out to the Fleur, because while this campaign seems to have hit bottom, things could always get worse.

Reilly's Campaign Wrap-Up

Reilly is running a really exciting campaign right now. With the combination of all the Reilly campaign news coming out nowadays and my great campaign advice, I really think Reilly can except to see some serious changes in the polls. I just hope that my ideas are as good as Reilly's groundbreaking efforts that are quickly changing this race's entire political landcape!

1 comment:

Anonymous said...

I think you give Tom credit for being smarter than he is. If he wants to attract the "stupid vote" he will have to get a lot brighter real fast. He already has the "absolute moron vote" locked up because they identify with him. If he abandons the 'morons' to go for the 'stupid' he will leave behind the only voter base that has ever identified with him.

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