Thursday, September 13, 2007

Woot!! Casino Madness Extreme!

Roulette - or Russian Roulette?

"Sweet goodness, all things great! Pull that lever down, let's win big!" "Let's," of course, is short for "let us" and refers to the Wampanoags - and, more likely, their developers and financiers. Why? Because no one ever really "wins big" at casinos - except, of course, for the few people at the top that get everyone to spend all their hard work. They win, but at a steep cost.

But let's not dwell on the tough facts; anyone have any other ideas for good slogans? Few like slogans as much as casinos; cheap slogans and casinos go hand in hand. "The wonder of it all!" Oh, wait, no, that's taken. We should really start the advertising now, so the developers make maximum profit. What kind of country would America be today if we let a CEO go without a corporate bonus?

The good news is they're on the right path, planning would could become the world's largest casino ever. Largest ever. Because that's what the Wampanoags are promising to build. Endless levers as far as the eye can see. Dinks and donks beeping and chirping along, with brilliant Time-Square-esque flashes and flutters all about. Sounds beautiful, eh?

The 4,000 slot machines in the plan are only half as many already in operation or planned at Connecticut's two casinos, Foxwoods and Mohegan Sun, but it shows plenty of room available for future expansion. At a planned 400,000 square feet for the gambling floor, the Middleborough facility would be about one-third larger than the gambling space at Foxwoods and Mohegan, which are among the world's largest casinos.

There's nothing like leaving a little space for growth. Just look at Foxwoods. It went from a Bingo Hall in 1986 to one of the world's largest casinos ever about twenty years later. Middleborough could start as one of the largest and reach - what? - massively epic fucking proportions? I'm sure typical visitors in Cape Cod will just love it. Who wants the beach, when they can get an open bar and see all the whizzing numbers as they insert dollar after dollar into the dollar-eating machines. More chips please. Oh, that'll help the local business in their few summer months, alright.

The good news about having endless amounts of slot machines today is the fact that people don't have to actually pull down the levers any more. Now, you can just push buttons. It's faster, so people spend more money don't have to tire their arms so. Oh, and the beeping noises are so much fun! Sweet, I just won something! Again! Again! And Again! Maybe it'll cover the tip for the tab I collected?

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