Kerry Healey: I'll Get You, My Pretty

"And your little dog, too." In the spirit of October and Halloween, Kerry Healey is doing her best impression of the Wicked Witch of the West. She's showing the world she's a Republican and can pull off Karl Rove as good as anyone. Her's is not a story of pumpkin seeds and Trick or Treat candy, but of thick, green skin and ghoulish nightmares. After all, she had to work during high school and get financial aid and everything!

However, one starts to wonder just what part she is playing. Is she the Wicked Witch of the West as seen in the Wizard of Oz: Dorothy's merciless foe and villain extraordinaire? Or is she the Wicked Witch of the West as seen in Wicked, the Musical: Elpheba, a tragic figure who's life conspired against her? Is she pulling off nasty ads, or does she just seem ebil?

Truth be told, she's neither Witch nor Elpheba: she's lived a wonderful life, supported by an exceedingly wealthy husband. She lives in a mansion in one of the most exclusive neighborhoods in Massachusetts. Her money and her party activism made her a (forgettable) Lt. Governor of the Commonwealth, just a heartbeat away from being the Top Dog. Her life certainly hasn't conspired against her just because it's conspired against her candidacy.

For another dose of truth, while she's more Elpheba than Wicked Witch, she would rather be the merciless villain than any other role. Every time she tries to be Glinda the Good, reality gives way. She's neither Glinda nor the Wicked Witch, as her ads seem more desperate than effective. However, she's rolling with the punches and - effective or not - she's got the millions to keep them on the air. We'll see if throwing money at the populace works any better for her than it did Chris Gabrieli.

Well, Kerry Healey, I have a gift for you. In your quest to mimic the Wicked Witch of the West during this election season, I've casted you as the star: Elpheba. It's a role thousands would die for - and, yet again, it's just being given to you on a silver platter. Prepare to wow crowds across the state (and country, even!) with your tragically insignificant presence in the "No More Good Will I Do" phase of your campaign. Here you'll try to be viciously mean, yet can't even pull that off: you're no more nasty than you are nice. This is a part you were born for, Elphie Kerry, so break a leg.