Court Ruling an Outrage

At the risk of asking of asking "what have you done for me lately," the Massachusetts SJC ruling reported in today's Boston Globe is outrageous. I wonder how many thousands of marriages have been handed out in Massachusetts to non-residents over the years? However, now that marrying people in Massachusetts is a contentious issue, damn all those people from around the country dreaming of a picturesque wedding on the Cape and Islands. Heck, we don't want all those people spending money here in Massachusetts - millions and millions of dollars.

Just listen to Mitt Romney, "we don't want Massachusetts to become the Las Vegas of same-sex marriage." Oh, wait. He didn't say anything about straight marriage. Apparently, we want their money... but not The Gays! I mean, isn't HIV transmittable through Benjamin Franklin green? After all, the guy was from Philly - and that's the same city as that gay movie with Denzel Washington! We just can't put Massachusetts citizens at risk of handling Benjamin Franklin's portrait if The Gays! have handled it.

Actually, I take it all back. Mitt Romney is absolutely right. The 1913 law may have been ignored for years, but it's a law god-damnit! In fact, there are lots of old laws we don't follow anymore. We have years of catching up to do, so I'll brush you all up on laws we need to enforce now! In fact, just look at this list:

Quakers and witches are banned.

Let's have ourselves a real Salem Witch Hunt. Back in the 1600s, they only killed fake witches in Salem. Today, there are probably hundreds of Wiccans living there. Let's round them up and prosecute them all. After all, it's a state law.

No gorilla is allowed in the back seat of any car.

In light of recent events at the Franklin Park Zoo, maybe this isn't such a bad idea. Still, though, I wonder what triggered such an important benchmark in Beacon Hill legislative action? The State Legislature should be proud.

All men must carry a rifle to church on Sunday.

I can't think of a reason why, but this is a great idea. I'm glad things under the golden dome are working out so smoothly.

Snoring is prohibited unless all bedroom windows are closed and securely locked.

Here's hoping the Secret Police force we'll need to create to keep track of all these wonderful laws we've been ignoring for decades and centuries won't hear my father in the dead heat of summer. After all, he doesn't have the money for Central Air. Actually, by God, he's breaking the law. Sorry Dad, but no one is above the law.

An old ordinance declares goatees illegal unless you first pay a special license fee for the privilege of wearing one in public.

Oh, good. If there's ever something that infringes on my rights as a human being, it's other people sporting goatees. If they're going to be annoying, they may as well provide Mitt Romney with another special revenue (although, none of these increased fees he's created are taxes! He would never raise taxes!). Has the legislature created the Department of Goatee regulation yet? It should be a top priority.

Okay, the joking is over: I'm pissed. The state legislature must immediately rectify this SJC debacle immediately. Since 1913, our state's honor and integrity has been stained. The law is and has always been a bigoted law. Massachusetts residents cannot conscionably allow this law to exist when we know exactly why it was created. In 1913, it was a racist law. Today, it's bigoted roots shine through.