Friday, May 25, 2007

Scandal at UMASS

I hereby deem this mess at UMASS a scandal. Everyone needs to go click that link and read that article - it's the best one I've read from the Boston Globe in a very, very long time. It's funny, too, because UMASS President Jack Wilson seemed to be wanting a new job this whole time: head of Amherst and the entire system. If the professors at UMASS Amherst have their way - the one's who voted No Confidence with him in the room by a margin of more than 200 to 1 - he'll be getting that new job very shortly, a la President Summers. In fact, my sources at UMASS Dartmouth have dug up a letter reported to be from Mr. Wilson.

Dear Trustees, Faculty, Staff, Parents, Voters, Construction Workers, Former Politicians, Current Politicians, Janitors, Lunch Ladies, Mitt Romney and ah, yea, maybe students...

I have notified the UMASS Board of Trustees today that, in leau of controlling the universe entire system's every job, I'll merely accept control of just Amherst, the entire UMASS system and other such things - provided that I also get control of Worcerster and Boston and maybe the schools that aren't included in the UMASS System (and probably some high schools as well, they call the head of Boston Latin a Dean, right? I want that title too!). However, no one should worry, you won't have to call me Chancellor at Worcester and Boston.... "Mr. President/Chancellor" will suffice.

People also tell me that there's this thing called "UMASS Dartmouth," but that's a vicious rumor I can't confirm. If it's true, I'll let that person who already is in "control" there keep it - because the South Coast is a mysterious place and I can't really be expected to go there, now can I? Do they even make maps to get there? Can I call triple A? Furthermore, Lowell's just been given to soon-to-be President Marty Meehan and he scares me, so I'll leave him alone too.

Now, rumor has it that at a recent meeting at UMASS Amherst, Professors gave me a 214 to 1 vote of "No Confidence." I care very deeply about the people at UMASS Amherst, that's why I want to control them and make all the other campuses irrelevant focus my time there. I can neither confirm nor deny what that vote actually was about, because I don't listen to faculty, but I'm sure it isn't possible that they really voted against me. After all, I was put in place by the Great Mitt Romney - and everyone just loves him! Seriously, that guy knows what he's doing! He should be President of the United States or something. Then, maybe I could get an even better job!

Anyway, it's very important to me that the Faculty, Staff, Parents, Voters, Construction Workers, Former Politicians, Current Politicians, Janitors, Lunch Ladies, Mitt Romney and ah, yea, maybe students neighbors know that I care deeply about the UMASS Amherst campus. I only want what is best for it. That's why I think we need to oust a guy who's clearly done a good job there. If he keeps doing well, the people of Massachusetts will come to have certain expectations there - and if that happens and they're not met, it may not look pretty. Therefore, I want to do a great job at making sure that doesn't happen.

Some people have "No Confidence" in me. I say hogwash! The only person that matters is me and I have plenty of confidence in that person. It's actually a really great philosophy in life - more people should try it, well, if they actually mattered. Or were me. That's why I just want to inform everyone that I'm here for the long haul - which shall be defined as "when people rise up and loudly call for my resignation." That could NEVER happen - because, like I've been trying to say this whole time - I only have the best of intentions and want to do a great job as head of every Tom, Dick and Harry at UMASS. In fact, I don't think merely being a President and Chancellor is enough. I should be a Treasurer, Secretary, Vice President, Administrator, Janitor and Lunch Lady as well.


President and Wanna-Be Chancellor, Lunch Lady Jack Wilson

P.S. Please don't fire me.

P.P.S. Pretty please!

P.P.P.S. With a cherry on top!

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