Charlie Baker's Really Competent!!

It can't be considered even remotely his fault that the Swampscott Town Republicans are not a legal entity. That's just not possible -- he's Charlie Baker! He's the leading Republican in that town, but why would he care about its Republican Committee? Actually, I bet he's just so competent that he wanted to teach Town Republicans a lesson in management! Baker FTW!

Scandal at UMASS

I hereby deem this mess at UMASS a scandal. Everyone needs to go click that link and read that article - it's the best one I've read from the Boston Globe in a very, very long time. It's funny, too, because UMASS President Jack Wilson seemed to be wanting a new job this whole time: head of Amherst and the entire system. If the professors at UMASS Amherst have their way - the one's who voted No Confidence with him in the room by a margin of more than 200 to 1 - he'll be getting that new job very shortly, a la President Summers. In fact, my sources at UMASS Dartmouth have dug up a letter reported to be from Mr. Wilson.

Dear Trustees, Faculty, Staff, Parents, Voters, Construction Workers, Former Politicians, Current Politicians, Janitors, Lunch Ladies, Mitt Romney and ah, yea, maybe students...

I have notified the UMASS Board of Trustees today that, in leau of controlling the universe entire system's every job, I'll merely accept control of just Amherst, the entire UMASS system and other such things - provided that I also get control of Worcerster and Boston and maybe the schools that aren't included in the UMASS System (and probably some high schools as well, they call the head of Boston Latin a Dean, right? I want that title too!). However, no one should worry, you won't have to call me Chancellor at Worcester and Boston.... "Mr. President/Chancellor" will suffice.

People also tell me that there's this thing called "UMASS Dartmouth," but that's a vicious rumor I can't confirm. If it's true, I'll let that person who already is in "control" there keep it - because the South Coast is a mysterious place and I can't really be expected to go there, now can I? Do they even make maps to get there? Can I call triple A? Furthermore, Lowell's just been given to soon-to-be President Marty Meehan and he scares me, so I'll leave him alone too.

Now, rumor has it that at a recent meeting at UMASS Amherst, Professors gave me a 214 to 1 vote of "No Confidence." I care very deeply about the people at UMASS Amherst, that's why I want to control them and make all the other campuses irrelevant focus my time there. I can neither confirm nor deny what that vote actually was about, because I don't listen to faculty, but I'm sure it isn't possible that they really voted against me. After all, I was put in place by the Great Mitt Romney - and everyone just loves him! Seriously, that guy knows what he's doing! He should be President of the United States or something. Then, maybe I could get an even better job!

Anyway, it's very important to me that the Faculty, Staff, Parents, Voters, Construction Workers, Former Politicians, Current Politicians, Janitors, Lunch Ladies, Mitt Romney and ah, yea, maybe students neighbors know that I care deeply about the UMASS Amherst campus. I only want what is best for it. That's why I think we need to oust a guy who's clearly done a good job there. If he keeps doing well, the people of Massachusetts will come to have certain expectations there - and if that happens and they're not met, it may not look pretty. Therefore, I want to do a great job at making sure that doesn't happen.

Some people have "No Confidence" in me. I say hogwash! The only person that matters is me and I have plenty of confidence in that person. It's actually a really great philosophy in life - more people should try it, well, if they actually mattered. Or were me. That's why I just want to inform everyone that I'm here for the long haul - which shall be defined as "when people rise up and loudly call for my resignation." That could NEVER happen - because, like I've been trying to say this whole time - I only have the best of intentions and want to do a great job as head of every Tom, Dick and Harry at UMASS. In fact, I don't think merely being a President and Chancellor is enough. I should be a Treasurer, Secretary, Vice President, Administrator, Janitor and Lunch Lady as well.

Sincerely,

President and Wanna-Be Chancellor, Lunch Lady Jack Wilson

P.S. Please don't fire me.

P.P.S. Pretty please!

P.P.P.S. With a cherry on top!

Let's Just Sell the State House and be Done With It

Quite frankly, I've had it with all the craziness. The Massachusetts State House - you know, the one with the huge-ass Golden Dome - is an historical landmark. Thousands of important decisions have taken place there. Hundreds of significant historical figures walked through its doors. Most importantly, it's a credit to the entire people of Massachusetts: a symbol of what all our collective hard work can do. If we don't want to continue to work hard to keep it up, as elegant and modern as it has ever been, then let's just sell the damn thing and be done with it.

Maybe some art museum will come sweeping in, ecstatic for the once-in-a-lifetime opportunity to have such a magnificent building. They'll really appreciate every single brick and flake of gold at the top; they'll upkeep the building by providing it new and nice things like furniture and drapery. Spending money on upkeep won't ever be a problem for them, it's not as if the press casts a critical eye on what non-profits spend their money on.

Maybe some gigantic corporation would want to buy it. After all, it's a large lot. If the building wasn't big enough for some CEO to decide to HQ in Boston under the Golden Dome, then they could just tear the whole damn thing down. Sure, all the hippies will throw a conniption, but protesting hippies and all their 'love and respect' for history and art is so tiresome. Meanwhile, we can just count the tax-dollar dough all the jobs such a spartan complex could bring. Of course, we better give the corportation lots of blood money "incentives" so they'll come; we'll just tax the hell out of their employees to make up for it.

Meanwhile, after the State House is sold and gone, we can just rent out the cheapest office space across Boston. After all, who needs one centralized location? It's really just a matter of convenience. We can have one office here, another there, maybe even in a closet... and, really, there is space aplenty after the 'merger' of some of our biggest, most important corporations. That way, people can be really happy because the state operations will truly be cost-efficient and spartan as all hell. We won't waste a dime on elegance - only rich people deserve that, and only in their private homes and clubs. Why should the people who work at the state house, who make crap anyway, be entitled to a comfy chair and nice curtains? Let's just sit their tushes on the floor while we're at it, too, the free-loading serfs. And screw keeping it nice for visitors - we don't want them anyway.

The most important thing to remember is we can't stop at the State House. Historical landmarks - of any kind - are all expensive. Let's start by getting rid of the most expensive things things this state operates - it's parks. We have one of the largest state park systems in the country, yet (not unexpectedly) woefully underfund it. See, we already have our priorities straight, we just need to follow through, get off our asses and call Century 21 to take the tens of thousands of acres off our hands. Who needs parks anyway? Imagine all the 500k, unaffordable townhouses we could throw up instead? Then, let's save this state thousands every year by letting the Zakim Bridge blue lights dim - for good. The entire bridge itself was probably a waste of money, but what can we do now? I suppose we can stop with the upkeep completely and let it eventually fall into the dirty water. People can find an alternative route.

Clearly, the state is suffering a budget crisis. Therefore, we need to find more money and can't spend a dime on upkeep and such trivial things as our historical landmarks. Even if people just give the state fancy drapery as donations, we still can't have any of it. That's what yard sales are for! Let's just sell all this state's assets and have ourselves a fundraiser (anyone else like to regift?). Our respect for the art and history of this great state will be dead - good riddens. We've been heading toward mediocrity for a while now; doesn't this race to the bottom sound exciting?

Update: Some perspective for everyone to consider when they go and say Deval's apology is petty or doesn't matter.