You Shall Not Pass!

I think this scene from Fellowship of the Rings is a perfect metaphor for today's election.



The part of Gandalf is played by the collective Massachusetts Democratic activist base. Coakley is Frodo the Ring Bearer. I think people can guess who I think the Balrog is...

As a bonus, here's the damned funniest video ever.

Friday Fun: The Massachusetts Miracle Elixir

Because I love Steven Sondheim, Neil Patrick Harris, lame metaphors and hate slots:

Empty Threats

You have no power here, be gone.

Tilting at Windmills

With the giants at sight, there's only two questions remaining: who is Wilkerson's Sancho Panza and will Wilkerson eventually face Don Quixote's same sad fate?

Sherlock Holmes and the Case...

Sherlock Holmes and the Case of
the Mysteriously Changing Race Track Job Figures!

By Ryan

It was the Wednesday when I last read my email - on July 16th, 2008 to be precise - where I first noticed something was amiss. I imagined that what I was reading was as if I had been reading it one hundred years before, electronically digitalized text transposed to paper and ink, the kind that would rub off your fingers if you read it too long. There were many stories, in many papers, that day, but none of them quite made sense. I knew this was a job for my friend, the great Sherlock Holmes.

So I left my home and wandered down the dirty streets of London. There were the shops, the barbers, the butchers, the bakery - all the sorts of things you'd expect to see walking through a densely packed London street. The people were walking to and fro as if nothing was wrong at all. And then I saw it - Holmes's flat, nearly like any other. Years ago there may have been a sign above his door, but he had no need for such advertisement these days. His powers of deduction, now famous, were quite beyond compare, of course. That's why I knew if anyone could figure out how many jobs were at Race Tracks in that little state across the pond, Sherlock Holmes could.

So I walked up his first few steps and knocked on his door, as I had hundreds of times before, to see his servant girl open the door quite kindly. She led me to the parlor, where Holmes was sitting smoking his pipe as usual, reading the daily papers.

"Why, Watson, my boy, how good to see you!" Holmes said.
"Indeed, Mr. Holmes, I quite agree."
"And I can tell you're worried about these stories of all different job figures."

Stunned, I looked Sherlock Holmes over yet again, no matter how well I knew him, he always could manage to surprise me.

"Howsoever did you know?"

"Why, Watson, it's elementary - my dear boy - elementary. I know that, this early in the morning, you would never come to see me on a Thursday, of course, unless you had some sort of burning question in your mind. Furthermore, like me, I know you're prone to read the papers in the morning. So when I began to read, after I got up from bed, I noticed very peculiar stories, each contradicting the other, each with quotes coming from the same person on the same day."

"But how did you know."

"Oh, quiet Watson, I was getting at that. Of course, most people would find these contradicting stories quite perplexing, so when I noticed you came here at this hour, I simply deduced the fact that you wanted to get to the bottom of these ever-changing figures."

"Indeed."

"Well, fear not, Watson, I've already figured it out."

I shouldn't have found myself surprised one bit, but of course I did. "How?"

"Well, to be honest, it's quite easy. Let's take a look at the stories."

Holmes picked up several papers from a pile, each a different newspaper and each with a story about a mysterious man named George Carney. He was a man both powerful and influential both behind the scenes and out in the open - wealthy and quite willing to use his wealth to help hatch his mastermind plots. Of course, he also had a charming, quaint nature about him, and was savvy, getting most reporters to apparently believe or at least not question whatever he said.

"Here's the first story, Watson. Here, in the Taunton Gazette, he reports that 800-1000 jobs would be lost at two different tracks, if the Greyhound ban were to be enacted by popular vote. That would be about 400-500 jobs per track, but one would think he'd know whether his track were employing 400 or 500 people - because 100 people would represent upwards of a million dollars in costs every year. So, my dear Watson, it's quite clear - in just reading this article alone - that Carney is lying."

Stunned, I watched Holmes place the Gazette back on the table, replacing it with two other papers, now in his hand.

"And in these papers, the Brockton Enterprise and Patriot Ledger, we hear a completely different story. His track alone, he claims now, employs a full 650 people. While that further illustrates his dishonesty when it comes to these numbers, let's ignore that for now. Knowing that the two tracks could employ as little as 800 people, according to him, that would mean the other track would employ only 150 people. Is it likely that one track would employ 650 and the other 150, when they do the same job and require similar amounts of Greyhounds? I think not, Watson, I think not. It's only more clear that he's being rather liberal with his truth."

"Furthermore," Holmes began, "some of the stories began to get at other numbers that Carney didn't present, the ones that are actual facts and figures, according to the Government - the reporters, apparently, never bothered to look at them, failing to properly do their jobs, simply questioning Carney, but never his motives. It's quite sad, really. So I did a little searching to find the source of these Government figures."

"And you had time to do that this morning?" I asked.

"Of course, my dear boy, of course. You see, there's this wonderful thing that guys like George Carney just don't know about; I believe people like him call it 'The Google.' You just type in a few practical words here and there, and you could find information on almost anything! To people like Carney, it must seem like a difficult magic that must take a lifetime to learn, so they just ignore it as if it didn't exist. But people like me - we use it to find facts, figures and important theories nearly instantaneously."

He went on, "Knowing that it is your behavior to come here to clear such peculiar circumstances up, I decided to search these Googles before you arrived, to find out the real answer to your question - because, quite frankly, I'm tired of searching halfway across the country for them! So, if you'll allow me to continue?"

I didn't say anything else, but couldn't help but notice Sherlock Holmes's genius. He was able to get at the truth with nothing but a few words and a computer! Wow!

"Perhaps the most perplexing article of the bunch," he said, as he pointed to one of the final papers on the table, "comes from the Boston Globe."

He put down the Ledger and Enterprise, picking up the Paper of Record.

"Here we find another article that contradicts Carney's numbers, the article saying that both tracks employ 650 people combined. That's rather closer to reality, though still hundreds too inflated. Now, what's odd is the way the paper describes those 650 jobs. Here, I'll read the quote.

Carney added that the ban, if approved, will result in a loss of jobs; the two tracks employ about 650 part-time and full-time workers.

Now, does that mean Carney is saying the tracks employ 650 people? Likely, that's the case, and the reporter simply forgot to add a qualifying statement at the end of his sentence, such as 'according to Carney,' because the Boston Globe repeats a different number - much closer to reality - just two more sentences in. Here, have a look, Watson."

Holmes handed the paper to me, pointing to this particular sentence:

Supporters of the ban said Carney's employment figures are greatly inflated. "That number is closer to 250, according to the census," Adams said recently.

"Wow, this is quite perplexing, Mr. Holmes. What do you make of it?

"Well, as I said, the paper doesn't make this completely clear, though the probability is that - so closely tied to Carney's statement - Carney had informed the paper that 650 total jobs were at stake. Otherwise, the Globe would have had to reveal some kind of source before making such a blanket statement. Given that all the real sources, provided by the Government, reveal that there's a total of 707 total employees at all Massachusetts Race Tracks, including horse tracks and amateur car speedways, that's quite unlikely. The other tracks take up far more than 57 jobs, especially since one of the horse tracks is the biggest of all Massachusetts Race Tracks."

"So what's the answer?" I asked, "How many people are really employed at these dog tracks?"

"It's a wonder that only one of these papers even bothered to source the best source, when the Gazette attributed 700 jobs at all race tracks, including horse and car, to the Massachusetts Department of Labor. However, none of the papers referenced the US Census numbers, which describes how many jobs are at each track - which would have saved a guy like me all this trouble! I'm retired, for heaven's sake!"

Sherlock Holmes was clearly annoyed, yet he somehow managed to continue.

"All they had to do was click here on their computers, they would have found the answer. Carney employs between 100 and 249 people at his Race Track according to the Census, which breaks businesses into various size classes. However, looking at the payroll of his company, which is public records through a court case he filed, we can tell that the actual number is close to around 200 as of a few years ago. Though, that's likely down a few employees, because his company has been bleeding profits. We know that the other Race Track in question, Wonderland, claimed the 250-499 bracket on the Census data from a few years ago."

"Well, if Wonderland employed 499 people, wouldn't that mean Carney's numbers were right?"

"Unlikely, my dear Watson, unlikely. Nay, impossible even. Knowing that both tracks require around the same number of dogs and that the Raynham track is and has been the more successful of the two for over a decade, Wonderland's track must have employed something very close to the 250 figure those years ago. However, we now know that Wonderland is taking in less than 2 million a year in wagers, meaning they couldn't afford to employ 250 people and stay in business. It's very likely that the number today is below 200, and likely far below it. And don't forget that we know, from the State Department of labor, that all the tracks employ a maximum of 707 people."

"So, as I said before, how many people do the tracks employ?"

"I'm getting there, Watson, I'm getting there. It's clear that Raynham employs around 200 jobs; it's quite likely that Wonderland employs around the same. That would be a total of about 400-450 jobs, leaving 250-300 between the horse and car tracks. Suffolk Downs, the state's largest track, would likely need around 250 employees to run the facility and serve the patrons, so I think we have our number, pinned within 50 employees."

"Indeed we do, Mr. Holmes, indeed we do."

"Thank goodness, Watson! Now, if you'd please, let me finish reading this morning's paper!"

Watson shook his friend's hand and left for the day, knowing that come another there would be more mysteries to solve - mysteries, he hoped, that would take more than Google to uncover.

The Wampanoag's Leadership: a Soap Opera

In today's episode of As the Wampanoags Turn, the big, mean boss man is dealing with the aftermath of throwing out an 85 year old tribal elder. Here's a brief recap of what happened last fall:

Scene 1.

[The Wampanoag Tribal Council is meeting and discussing today's current events with visible disappointment. Camera closes in on one tribal leader, complete with blank, vacant expression. Cue the inevitable cut scene into the past, with actors who are just as blank and vacant, and hazy, harp-filled music in the background.]

[Cue overly slow and dramatic music.]

Glenn: "Don't you bring us any trouble at all, Amelia, ya here? We're going to build this casino with or without you."

Amelia: "All I want to know is where the $14 million went, Glenn, our culture is already being subverted by your casinos."

Glenn: "So you are going to give us trouble then. Well, fine. You and your son are gone - we don't want to see you in these parts anymore, or else."

End scene.

Scene 2.

Amelia and her son get a lawyer.

The Binghams have been members of the tribe's governing body, the Mashpee Wampanoag Tribal Council, since its creation in 1981, and Amelia Bingham had been named a clan mother, a position of respect in the tribe, according to the lawsuit.

But the Binghams are ardent opponents of a tribal casino, and Amelia Bingham in particular "has spoken out against gambling interests and expressed concern about big money interests corrupting tribal values," Altman said in an interview yesterday.

In January 2007, the Binghams received letters from the Tribal Council informing them that they were banned from council meetings for seven years. The "shunning order" came just days after the Binghams sued in Barnstable Superior Court to force the council to account for $14 million that the tribe had received from Herb Strather, a prominent developer of a Detroit casino.

Of course, this is just the latest episode in a long-running series. Who could forget all the wonderful episodes where the Wampanoag's former tribal leader was being investigated by the FBI, as he was later revealed to be a convicted rapist. But that's not all - federal law was allegedly violated by another tribe that's promised to seek a casino in Massachusetts if slot machines are passed (you know it's got to be bad for the Globe to write about it!) - there's nothing better than a little villainous competition. All this, so Massachusetts can own have no control over the world's largest casino along with another 2-3 of them. Just imagine how expensive the set designs would be!

Now, this same leadership - which has been proven corrupt over the casino issue time and time again - has decided to pick on a poor, old lady who was a tribal elder (can anyone get them a Day Time Emmy?). They kicked her 85 year old self out, as well as her son, just days after she spoke out against a very reasonable request - an account of where $14 million dollars went. Imagine that - not a single casino has been built and $14 million dollars is already being hushed up. The same people who won't tell Amelia Bingham where the $14 million's at are also the ones who are asking Massachusetts citizens to trust them to build and operate a fair and reputable establishment, a casino Massachusetts would have almost no regulatory power over. Massachusetts citizens should know the answer to that question - let's cancel this Soap and get on with our lives.

Keller Cackles Antagonistic Sympathies

Anyone else a little suspicious when Jon Keller tries to give Democrats good advice? Ah, that concern trolling, it's one of Rightwingtopia's favorite hobbies. Apparently, Obama's New Hampshire loss wasn't his worst day, it was the day when John Kerry officially endorsed him. Anything you say, Jon.

This reminds me of a favorite movie scene: When the Wicked Witch of the West exploded onto the scene in Munckinland, Glinda told her, "you have no power here, be gone." If only Wicked Witches would listen to such sage advice.

Barack Obama: Practically Perfect in Every Way

When I was a kid, I absolutely, positively loved Mary Poppins. Along with Lady and the Tramp, Cinderella and a few other timeless classics, there was rarely a weekend that went by when I didn't watch one of those movies at least once or twice. However, at some point after my Step Mother actually had to buy a second copy of the movie, since the first wore out, I stopped watching it - until recently, when it was on TV. I figured, for old time's sake, I'd watch it again - and so I did. However, this time it wasn't nearly as good as I remembered it. It's funny, sometimes things can seem different than how you remembered it. For the first time ever, I realized that Mary Poppins may be nearly perfect in every way, but that doesn't mean I like her anymore for it. I'm beginning to feel that way about Barack Obama.

Like Mary Poppins, he's come out of nowhere, just without the talking, flying umbrella. Only a few years ago, he was a state legislator who couldn't get into the US Congress. He won an easy US Senate race, where his chief opponent was forced to leave the race early due to scandal. His eventual opponent, Alan Keyes, was no real opponent at all.

Like Mary Poppins, we barely know anything about him. Sure, Mary had Burt and Barack has Oprah, but does that really tell us anything about who they are? Barack's talking about change, but change for what? He says we need to unify the country, that we need Democrats and Republicans working together, but are these really problems? At least, are they problems we can solve? Barack Obama isn't going to be able to change conservatives - their inability to work for nonpartisan or bipartisan solutions is ingrained in their brains (and that's only the quickest link I could find). They strive for partisanship; working together is a sign of weakness to them.

The Democrats, on the other hand, haven't been partisan enough. Whether it's war funding or telecom immunity, too many Democrats have been willing to be 'bipartisan' and hand over all the loot - including this country's constitution - as if the Republicans were robbing a bank. Barack Obama thinks we haven't given away enough to that lot- as if the Republicans have given us any indication that they're capable of being reasonable in office. Obama either doesn't get it or is ignoring the problem, more interested in fancy slogans.

Either way, Barack Obama seems too perfect. He's proven to be too afraid to appeal to the real change this country needs (a true progressive vision), all in favor of capturing the low-information voters interested in an undefined "change," even if nothing Obama has advocated for represents anything revolutionary. When I was a kid who loved Mary Poppins, I fell in love with the message and spirit of things - and I still do. However, it's no longer enough to talk about change, there has to be something behind supercalifragelisticexpicalidocious, specifics that act as the change the campaign claims to represent. Otherwise, the whole campaign message sounds too much like a Spoonful of Sugar, forcing a most unnecessary medicine down.

Deval's Triple Threat Stance

To great fanfare, the Celtics recently acquired potential future Hall of Famer Deval Garnett.

In Basketball, one of the most important things to do is to learn how to properly catch the ball and square up before ever making a move toward the hoop. One of my old coaches, who must have made me practice it about a thousand times, called it the triple threat stance - where someone holds the ball steady with both hands, just above their waist, with elbows locked, looking at the basket and as much of the court as possible. The point is to keep an opponent guessing - and hopefully take him or her off guard when a player actually makes their move. From a triple threat position, a player can shoot the ball, pass it or pump fake and go to the hoop. It's basketball 101, but even at any level of the game, it's effective.

While Deval Patrick's rolled the dice on casinos, wagering all of Massachusetts, he isn't necessarily in a bad position. Thankfully, he's reached what I'm now officially coining the Political Triple Threat Stance. With almost limitless options, the Governor can make any one of numerous moves toward the basket; with a serious proposal a lot of people really, really don't want, including many of his most ardent supporters (such as myself), just think about all the holes Deval potentially opened up. What happens when you threaten something people don't want? They react - making the proverbial opponent defense as weak as it could be.

Just think of Deval's three major options in this wonderful conceit. First, he can shoot the ball by keep pushing the plan. It has a shot of passing (even if it's a fairly long one, contrary to popular myth) and certainly will make the state some extra revenue, though how much and at what cost is up for debate. It's not what a lot (most?) of this state wants, but can you blame the guy for trying? No. And he could just make a political score.

Or, the Governor could pass the ball in hopes of finding the team a better opportunity. After all, one of the most important statistics in basketball are assists - where a player makes a pass that leads to a score. If the governor passes, as any good point guard should, it isn't necessarily a political loss: no one is better positioned to come up with creative proposals and new ideas than a Governor (and a point guard); Deval's just doing his job running the offense and finding the open player. Daring moves, after all, can lead to Sportscenter highlights and positive press. The fact that they don't always work is long forgotten if the game ends in victory. Besides, maybe the Governor's next big plan will lead to that big-time, buzzer-beating shot, saving the day, just like everyone in Massachusetts seems to want?

However, like all my favorite basketball players, I hope the Governor pump fakes and slashes to the hoop. There's nothing better than seeing utter dominance - and beating your opponents to the basket sure makes for some swell film reels. It looks like Deval's going for casinos, but don't blink, because the Governor is in perfect position to take it to Sal DiMasi and essentially say, "look what position the Speaker has put me in for not passing the Municipal Partnership Act? We could make by without casinos, but Verizon doesn't pay a dime for hundreds of miles of telephone poles they own and Sal DiMasi doesn't think that should change." Why else would half of casino tax revenue go to helping property taxes? The link isn't a coincidence.

Meanwhile, I'm already picturing the Globe article where "administration sources" blame Sal for politically boxing Deval in, making Deval look extra crafty, daring and imaginative in the process. "We had to be creative," they'll say, "the Governor's just trying to do his job, but the Speaker keeps getting in the way." Boxed in? Ha, the Governor's just getting ready to undermine Sal's insistence that corporations in Massachusetts don't have to pay their fair share - with a simple pump fake and move toward the hoop. He's been dribbling the ball a bit too long, making his supporters think the 24 second clock could expire, but now they're just more in tune to the game, getting ready to mob the floor before the buzzer ever goes off. Beacon Hill definitely doesn't want that.

Deval's supporters may not like his casino plan, but the reality is he couldn't have set himself up in a better political position. Losing this battle could help him convince Massachusetts to win the war. Now we just have to hope he's as good of a ball player as we think he is, because if the Governor pivots and focuses on issues that his base actually supports and would help raise revenue fairly, such as the Municipal Partnership Act and cutting corporate loopholes, Speaker DiMasi's going to have a tough time blocking the most important legislation Massachusetts will have passed in years. Of course, that's making a lot of assumptions, but Deval's certainly standing in a great political triple threat stance.

Update: Perhaps Deval's Political Triple Threat Stance is a good answer to OutragedLib's excellent blog and question today.